Life is hard sometimes.

*This is long winded and has some TMI information in it, so if you don't want to know me on a personal level or just feel awkward reading about how babies are made I would suggest you not continue reading. 

Last fall Matt and I started discussing adding to our family. We've always wanted to have another kid, but there are so many factors that go into the decision making process of having another baby such as: Are we in a position to be able to pay for the birth, let alone financially provide for another child?  Is it imperative that I finish school first or can I care for a new baby on top of family and school responsibilities? And all the while as we discuss these matters Sawyer is just getting older and the age gap between the two just gets bigger with each passing month. So as Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model would say, "After much deliberation...." we finally decided sometime last fall that we would aim to have a baby on my month long Christmas break next year which meant we would start trying in the spring. Shooting for such a small window of time to have a baby meant that our window to get pregnant was equally tiny so I put in a lot of time and energy mapping out exactly when in the spring months we needed to make it happen! I even turned down an awesome four day girls spring trip to Arizona because it was going to be during the time I needed to be home if a baby was going to be created. Pretty much the conception of this baby was going to be polar opposite of Sawyer's conception which was completely unplanned and a total shock.

According to my calculations we had two months at our disposal to try and get pregnant in order for the due date to be during my Christmas break. If we got pregnant the first month the due date would be right at the tail end of the fall semester, but if we succeeded the second month then the due date would be exactly in the middle of my Christmas break on January 7th which would be perfect.  The first month went by, I took a pregnancy test, no dice. I was bummed, but I didn't have any signs that I was pregnant and I knew we still had one more month to try. At the end of the second month I had a feeling I might be pregnant from some cardinal signs and mentioned it to my mom while we were out. We stopped by a store and got a test just to double check, but the results were negative. I wasn't really surprised because I am so used to having negative tests. Even with Sawyer I never had a positive at-home pregnancy test. The way we found out we were expecting him was through blood work done at the doctor because my period was MIA. They had done a urine test in the doctor's office, which was negative so the doctor wanted blood work done to look at my TSH levels and must have thrown an HCG test in there too for good measure. So basically peeing on sticks and getting negative results was something I have just become accustomed too hence my shock when one day later I took another test at home and saw a faint second line! My heart skipped a beat when I read on the box that any second line, no matter how faint, meant that HCG was detected and indicated pregnancy. I showed Matt the two lines, but he was skeptical so I took snapped a picture of the pregnancy test and posted it on a pregnancy website where people vote on your photo whether it's positive or negative. Silly I know, but I was looking for confirmation that it wasn't just me seeing the two lines and being obsessed with all things about getting pregnant I had become very familiar with all the pregnancy webpages out there. That photo got over 90 votes for positive and only 1 for negative! With the other increasing signs of pregnancy like ridiculously sore breasts and the ever increasing need to pee I was convinced my eggo was indeed prego. Another positive test ensued in the following days as well as cramping, fatigue and off the chart breast soreness. I was definitely 100% with child. I was elated that we had succeeded!! After months of planning down to the exact day of ovulation, we had actually gotten pregnant! I was on cloud nine all week and our future with a second child and our family being complete was constantly on the forefront of my mind even while taking two school tests, going to class and studying.  I set up an 8 week appointment for my first ultrasound and knowing that I was going to have to switch insurances half way through my pregnancy  I made sure they would accept both (the insurance I am currently on doesn't cover anything until the $5,000 deductible is met, while my school insurance would cover 80% of all costs including the birth). I excitedly took all of my maternity clothing out of the tubs they have been collecting dust in for the past three and a half years and hung them all on hangers in my closet.  I was bursting at the seams wanting to tell people especially since almost everyone from school and church knew that we were trying to get pregnant those two months. I ended up telling my friend Mary from school, my parents and my friend Monica from California who happened to text me asking if I was pregnant yet, but I decided to wait until the first ultrasound to tell anyone else. We were anything but cautious when I was pregnant with Sawyer as we told everyone we knew within a few days of finding out. This time though just as I would have the thought that I wanted to tell someone the fantastic news, a strong second thought to wait would surface. And rightly so.

I started bleeding late one night exactly a week after finding out I was pregnant, putting me right at 5 weeks and 2 days. I think I went through the five stages of grief within the first 24 hours with denial being the first. I kept trying to kid myself that bleeding and cramping can sometimes be normal in early pregnancy, even though in my situation I knew deep down this was anything but normal. The following day after the bleeding hadn't stopped I knew my dreams of having this baby next January were gone. My friend Mary who has had a miscarriage before was the first person I told besides Matt and she was and still is a huge support. I didn't think I would feel so sad considering this baby may not have even had a heartbeat yet, but the image of this baby was already so real to me. It feels like a cruel joke to have had three positive pregnancy tests, all the signs of pregnancy and now to have nothing. As my hormone levels continue to drop I even miss the breast soreness because that discomfort meant I was going to become a mom again. After having a few good cries to Matt I thought I was moving on, but it's taking longer time to reprogram my brain from envisioning the next nine months pregnant and having a baby next winter to now not being pregnant at all. To make myself feel better I rationalized that obviously there had been a problem with implantation or perhaps even a chromosomal abnormality. I rationalized that if I want to work in labor and delivery as a nurse then at least now I can understand a small fraction of the heartache that woman go through when they miscarry late or even have a stillborn. I am grateful that I had a miscarriage so early and honestly believe it's because God knows my weak heart couldn't take it had it been later on after I'd grown even more attached to this baby I was growing. I can't imagine how hard it must be to recover from the loss of a baby that is farther along or even full term. It seems so silly now that I thought by mapping out our family that I was somehow in control. I do believe that God is showing me that no matter how much I plan things out and think I know what's best for me and our family, ultimately His plan for me and our family is what matters. We are always telling Sawyer when he's being bossy, "You are not the boss, God is", but I obviously hadn't taken that to heart in my own life. 

The last few days have felt surreal like I've been in a movie where some character was experiencing a miscarriage, but not me.  I know miscarriages are extremely common in the first few weeks, but I still can't help but feel abnormal. Even though I've accepted this loss, now all I feel is just sadness. Sad that we had a complete boy name and girl name already picked out. Sad for Sawyer that now he will be almost five years old before he gets a sibling. Sad that I have to return all my maternity clothing back to their former bins and am dreading doing so. I'm just really sad. And writing about it seemed like one of the only therapeutic things left to do. And maybe having another good cry. But ultimately life goes on, and I know someday that when the timing is right and is God's timing, that we will be able to add another person to this family so I take comfort in that.